Saturday Rant: The Stressed Factor

It may surprise you to learn I quite like certain reality shows and, though I prefer the variation available in "Britain's Got Talent", I do quite like the X Factor. Or rather, I did like the X Factor: the latest series has been riling me almost as much as the horrible peak time advertisements we're subjected to in between segments. No, it's not the "Simon Cowell is taking over the charts" problem; no, it's not the John and Edward farce; no, it's not Louis Walsh's drivel about rules, Dannie Minogue's nonsense or Cheryl Cole's girly whining. What really annoys me about the X Factor is its lazy, infuriating and relentless use of music.

Now, I understand that it's a music show and I understand that since it's a mainstream show it's not likely to include a lot of my favourite tracks in its repertoire, but do we really need to have the continual wall of sound in between performances? Do we really have to have the same handful of "inspiring" tracks blared over soundbites and shots of the contestants looking emotional? And do we really have to have snippets of film scores over montages? Use of film scores for irrelevant material is something that really bugs me. ITV aren't the only ones who do it, the BBC often use snatches of music in unrelated documentaries or magazine shows too, and the epidemic has even started reaching film trailers; earlier in the decade, Howard Shore's spectacular scores for the Lord of the Rings trilogy were pilfered, now we have fragments from Gladiator, Pirates of the Caribbean, and even Saw turning up in trailers for films in no way linked to the music. Take the trailer for "The Box", which looks thoroughly awful, which uses the theme from Saw (remember that bit at the end of each film in franchise where the driving strings swell up over montages of various previous events when the denouement is finally revealed?) to suggest "this is a tense and gory thriller full of twists". Except it doesn't suggest that, because all it makes me do is sit and think "Yeah Saw was actually quite a good film. I should watch Saw again."

Which is why, film makers and trailer makers everywhere, using music from another piece is not wise. The number of programs I've completely forgotten to watch because I've been trying to remember where that piece of music is from is beyond counting now. And for tracks that I can trace, I find myself not watching the television but instead thinking of the film. So when last week the X Factor used music from Edward Scissorhands, Gladiator, Pirates of the Caribbean and more as "themes" for its stars, I couldn't help but wonder what on earth Joe whatever-his-name-is has in common with a Tim Burton film.

But that's not the only musical mishap that has me seething. Oh no. There's the insipid snippets of pop music that are designed to cruelly toy with the audience's emotions. Now I admit that this was done most frequently way back in the early auditions, but since they're my favourite part of the show, I'm going to rant about them anyway. See, for me much of the fun of the auditions is trying to guess in advance who's going to be good and who's not, who's a nutcase and who's a rather sweet young thing that deserves a chance. Unfortunately the X Factor editors have decided that letting the audience judge for themselves is far too dangerous, so each individual is introduced by certain tracks which signal from the instant they first appear what they're skill-level is. Before someone even opens his or her mouth to speak, the audience is told whether they have some sort of tragedy in their life, whether they're going to amaze you or whether they're going to make you double over laughing. And then, once they've performed their ten second snippet and the judges have said yay or nay, we have a choice of about three songs for people who will get through.

Clearly if we're allowed a split second of silence we might lose interest and switch channels. But what makes this whole sorry experience even worse is the sheer laziness of it all. We don't just hear tracks that tell us what to think, we hear the same tracks that tell us what to think. Hardly an episode has gone by this year without having to hear that whiny-voiced chap from Snow Patrol ask if he can "lie here" or that dreary Take That chorus that moans that "you and me we could light up the sky". Neither track is one I'm particularly fond of. Why yes dear, you can lie there, just wait while I find a steamroller! Calm down, pixie, calm down.

Now, I admit I'm not exactly up to date with mainstream music other than what gets played on adverts or what-have-you, but I'm pretty sure there's more than two "inspiring" and "uplifting" songs out there if the folks behind the X Factor would kindly do some more research. I might not get to hear a song I like, but at least we could get some variety!

The X Factor baffles me sometimes. I understand the music, I understand the rags-to-riches business, I understand the schadenfreude of watching the hopeless ones in auditions but what I don't understand is the bitchiness of it. Do people honestly enjoy watching Walsh and Cowell bicker, or the tabloids scream bloody murder every time they think someone is being "arrogant"?

It's all very strange.

In unrelated TV moans, what's BBC4 up to? Where's my pre-Christmas ghost stories, eh? A repeat of Crooked House does not count, they've already repeated it at least twice and it wasn't that good to begin with. Much as I like Mark Gatiss, the overarching Amicus-esque plot of Crooked House was pretty weak. They could at least show one of those lovely MR James adaptations they're sitting on. To steal a phrase from the M&S ads, Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without my ghost stories. Sigh...